How Deep and Meaningful are you Feeling?

Ok.. mini rant to follow: are you sitting comfortably? Then I will begin! I feel crap, I feel rediculous, I feel sorry for myself and I feel sorry for the people who have to endure my feeling sorry for myself! Aren't hormones a wonderful thing, but then again it would be way to easy to blame it all on that and say hormones are the bain of my life. But sadly it is more than that and it is hard to express. You know when you can hear yourself repeatedly whining and whinging, but like when you have been drinking, you just somehow can't stop it coming out your mouth?! Well instead of it coming out my mouth, it is flowing down my fingers for you all to read. How incredibly sad! But I did hear once that sometimes it is easier to write down everything which is going on in order to make sense of it all. So yes, it is possible to hear your self loathing and self pitty which is stuck, like a broken record, on 'how sad for me'! I really, really can't abide that in myself. Yet on many occasion I find myself doing it and find ot very hard to stop. I do think to myself, what the hell are you doing, but that just seems to spur it on! It think it all originates from a single seed of confusion planted in my mind about 2 months ago! When you think about things too much that you drive yourself to madness, going over all the little things, that somehow seem to blow up into a larger thing which appears bigger than it is. Which only seems to grows every time you think about it further. Until it is so big that you work yourself into a rut, where it all seems so much worse, because now not only have you got the massively blown up situation to think about, but you have the depression to go along with it. Untill one day you think, what the hell are you doing. Upon which you pull yourself out of your temporary rut to a place where you begin the cycle all over again! Ringing any bells? If not you're lucky! If it is, you know what I am talking about. So there you are in this cycle that you don't know how to deal with. And then you find yourself overcompensating and acting completely uncharacteristically in order to make sure that people don't see that you are in this rut, or see that you are affected by any of it. (wow this is already making me feel better!). Whilst all this is going you are trying every means possible to make yourself realise that you are not a bad, pathetic sorry excuse for a human being, when there are so many more important things going on everywhere else in the world! And the more you begin to try and convince yourself of this the more you keep thinking that you are a sorry excuse for a human cos this is so miniscule yet you STILL KEEP GOING OVER IT! In all honesty I have never had the nerve to tell people the truth, which always ends up eating me up inside. I have done it for the past 8 years with my family and I still seem to be doing it with people. Why have I never had the strength to say, 'You know what, this is the truth, deal with it'. Maybe I just care too much about what people think of me, and if they think I am wrong, I couldn't bare living with myself knowing I have made a fool of myself. But my brain just doesn't work that way! So here is where I make a decision! I stop talking about how stupid and pathetic I feel, and I try to believe that I am going to be ok, cos in the end I have friends and family who love me... mostly anyway! I make a decision not to talk about it, to put it to bed, and remember that life is too short to work yourself into ruts! And life is to short to live it in denial! So as of now, I no will no longer think about it! Well... at least untill the next cycle begins, anyway.......