Found: Lonely

It's times like this when you realise just how good you had it back home! Sure I would moan about the chores I had to do, and how board I was. But at least I was around things which were farmiliar. People who I felt less guilty about going to if I needed to talk, or just a hug. People who, even if I was bugging them, would still make time for me! Coming here it's different. The people are lovely, but it's not the same. I can't go up to someone, spill all my sadness, worries and confusion, ask them for a hug and then go our separate ways. It doesn't work like that. And, perhaps some of it is my fault, for not wanting to go out with people I don't know/trust to look after me if I get drunk, in a city I don't yet know well enough to get about on my own. So perhaps, yes, it may be my fault. But I can't help it that I'm not like that. What happened to the good old days where you could go and watch a DVD with a pizza and a group of mates! Were we all just REALLY REALLY boring? Did we just NOT know how to have a good time? ... But then again, to us, that was a good time... well to me anyway! So here I am, sat wondering if I will be able to force myself to go out and talk to people, as, true enough, that is the only way I am going to get to know anyone. Hmmmmm... I shall go ponder my thoughts tonight, and say that I really am lucky that I have great friends and family! Before they all get big headed, I will say no more, apart from Night. Xx

Missing

What a week. I feel like I have been whipped along in a daze by a number of well rehearsed people. Go here, do this, say that, look for them, find out who the name of my ex bothers, dead dogs, guardian angel of a cobra is! You get my drift. Talk about information overload. Someone told me today that over the next 4 years I will do all this stuff. It wasn't until they said this that I realised I can't see myself being here for 4 years... I feel like I am on a resedential trip that will end tomorrow. Just the week and then we are off! It's been a weird week, to say the least. The most difficult part is not having my friends around me. I have been seeing at least one of them for the past 2 years! And all of a sudden, not only do I not have my family around me, or my family's friends, but I don't have my friends around me either. The ones I walk with when I feel alone, the ones I talk to when I am confused, or need cheering up. I promise I will never take face to face conversation for granted again! I miss them all so much! I know I can still talk to them, it's not like I or they have dropped off the face of the earth. And I know it's not like I can never see them again, or that they have moved to Australia! But it's the biggest thing I have ever done! And to be honest, my friends were the one thing that got me from day to day. Whether they knew that or not, I don't know. But it's true. Coming here was the strangest thing in the world. You are starting from scratch! As one of my mates said, it is a chance to be any body I want to be. And yes, that is true and a great advantage of meeting many new people. But I never realised how much of an effort it was making friends when you didn't know ANYONE! It really doesn't help that I am insecure about people's ability to like me. Why would they want to? Seriously! Anyway, that's besides the point. It's exhausting. You don't know what you can get away with saying, what you have in common, how they will react to what you are saying. I can't remember how to do this! I think sleep would help with the process though, so I am going to finish it here. Although it is far from finished!

How Deep and Meaningful are you Feeling?

Ok.. mini rant to follow: are you sitting comfortably? Then I will begin! I feel crap, I feel rediculous, I feel sorry for myself and I feel sorry for the people who have to endure my feeling sorry for myself! Aren't hormones a wonderful thing, but then again it would be way to easy to blame it all on that and say hormones are the bain of my life. But sadly it is more than that and it is hard to express. You know when you can hear yourself repeatedly whining and whinging, but like when you have been drinking, you just somehow can't stop it coming out your mouth?! Well instead of it coming out my mouth, it is flowing down my fingers for you all to read. How incredibly sad! But I did hear once that sometimes it is easier to write down everything which is going on in order to make sense of it all. So yes, it is possible to hear your self loathing and self pitty which is stuck, like a broken record, on 'how sad for me'! I really, really can't abide that in myself. Yet on many occasion I find myself doing it and find ot very hard to stop. I do think to myself, what the hell are you doing, but that just seems to spur it on! It think it all originates from a single seed of confusion planted in my mind about 2 months ago! When you think about things too much that you drive yourself to madness, going over all the little things, that somehow seem to blow up into a larger thing which appears bigger than it is. Which only seems to grows every time you think about it further. Until it is so big that you work yourself into a rut, where it all seems so much worse, because now not only have you got the massively blown up situation to think about, but you have the depression to go along with it. Untill one day you think, what the hell are you doing. Upon which you pull yourself out of your temporary rut to a place where you begin the cycle all over again! Ringing any bells? If not you're lucky! If it is, you know what I am talking about. So there you are in this cycle that you don't know how to deal with. And then you find yourself overcompensating and acting completely uncharacteristically in order to make sure that people don't see that you are in this rut, or see that you are affected by any of it. (wow this is already making me feel better!). Whilst all this is going you are trying every means possible to make yourself realise that you are not a bad, pathetic sorry excuse for a human being, when there are so many more important things going on everywhere else in the world! And the more you begin to try and convince yourself of this the more you keep thinking that you are a sorry excuse for a human cos this is so miniscule yet you STILL KEEP GOING OVER IT! In all honesty I have never had the nerve to tell people the truth, which always ends up eating me up inside. I have done it for the past 8 years with my family and I still seem to be doing it with people. Why have I never had the strength to say, 'You know what, this is the truth, deal with it'. Maybe I just care too much about what people think of me, and if they think I am wrong, I couldn't bare living with myself knowing I have made a fool of myself. But my brain just doesn't work that way! So here is where I make a decision! I stop talking about how stupid and pathetic I feel, and I try to believe that I am going to be ok, cos in the end I have friends and family who love me... mostly anyway! I make a decision not to talk about it, to put it to bed, and remember that life is too short to work yourself into ruts! And life is to short to live it in denial! So as of now, I no will no longer think about it! Well... at least untill the next cycle begins, anyway.......

It's all over when they say 'I Do'

Well... It's done... they tied the knot... did the deed.... tended to business! Ok, so perhaps a little too far, but you follow what I mean. And how beautiful it was, clear blue skies, wind free, sunshine all around. And the dress, oh my the dress. Deep peacock blue, very 20's. Mine on the other hand... Well, I felt more beautiful than I had in a long time. The cake went down a treat, which is a relief considering how much time I spent on it! I have honestly never seen two people so happy, which made me feel odd. I was more happier for them than anyone. But it really brought home the fact that I have noone, I'm not even CLOSE. Now I'm not talking marriage bound relationships. I'm talking new and exciting relationships that may possibly mean something more than being friends. But how likely is that! Anyway... I digress. With the wedding out the way, now come the big plans for shipping me off to Uni, silverwear and all. How fast this has come around since a time when I thought I had months to spare. Time really does flie when you are havving fun, being stressed, studying, gaining friends, making cakes and all the other jazz (or salsa music in my case) that fills the time! It only feels like yesterday I was stood at the front door watching the various fireworks bring in the new year, thinking to myself: 'This it it! The big year! The one where so much will happen. The expected... and the unexpected!'. It hardly seems possible. I must apologise for a crap entry such as this, as to me it feels rather stinted and boring, but at the moment I am unable to think in a logical, coherent manner, due to all the emotions I have. I honestly don't know whether I am coming or going, and it doesn't help that I can't really talk about them, as I don't really know what they are! Lonely mixed with doubt, mixed with excitement, mixed with amazement, mixed with sadness, mixed with happiness... Are you keeping up? Cos I am just about there. Oh my how very confusing, I shall leave you on that confusing note and leave you to make your mind up as to how much of a wreck I am. I bid you a goodnight... I shall visit soon... when I find coherent, sensicle inspiration!

Stress + Writing = Bad Blog Entry!

Having a rest has come as a god send today! I have about 5 minuets in which to write this before I have to go back to the numerous tasks I have to do today. This is the first time I have had a moment to gather my thoughts in honesty, and my thought: 'I'm hungry, I haven't eaten all day'. This cake is taking more time than anticipated and more energy than one would expect from an inanimate object. I don't begrudge doing it though as it is for my parent's wedding, which isn't far away now, at all! 8 hours of solid work on a cake though is a lot in reflection; icing the cakes; cutting the decorations; making sure they fit exactly; making sugar glue; cutting the dowels, stacking the tiers. Just thinking about it makes me want my bed. Honestly, I don't think I could ever do this for a living, the deadlines are too tight. No wonder most professional cake makers are grey! I was writing my speech for the wedding the other night, which I have rehersed over and over again! It suprised me how easy it was to constuct, seen as I am not all that good with words and a soppy git to boot. I never could make it a funny or witty speech like you hear in all the films or at the other weddings. I however do admit to using the line 'I first met', which I promised myself I wouldn't do, but I have to tell them all what my mums partner means to me somehow... so I conformed and used it, but I think I used it the best way possible by going on to say how much she has influenced me! Which she has... I wouldn't be half the person I am today without her... I wouldn't be sat here writing this twaddle at all. To which you are all probably thinking 'Damn that woman for being an influence!'. To be honest, today I don't right blame you. My brain isn't working which is hindering my writing ability... I can almost see the heads hitting the keyboards with boredom! And for this reason I am going to say a hasty goodbye as I am pretty sure I should be doing something else such as doing a cake... tidying the kitchen... hoovering... tidying my room... cleaning the bathroom... dusting.................................

Lessons in Love and Life

Ok... So yesterday I went to Chester to do a CRB signing to make sure I am ok to work with kids *insert your own comment here, as I am sure many of you are having wrong thoughts right now... If my friends are anything to go by*. So anyway, on the way there I was talking to my dad, which is always an odd occurance in itself! And he gave me 2 pieces of advice.

The first was to do with Love and the second was to do with Life! 'You will have your heart broken at some point, as everyone does. And when you do you CAN come to me!'. Those were his words almost exactly. I think the exact thought that ran through my head was that I already had. But in hind sight, how much does a high school crush really break your heart. See, I have had this debate with myself before, as have probably most people who contemplate love. What is it? To many people it means different things and is different when it if for different people (hope you are keeping up here, I am just about managing, but stay with me). So if it is different for others and towards others then how does anyone ever know what it is. Is it a feeling? Is it a look? Is it a gut instinct? Or is it all three combined? I can honestly say I don't think I know, even on my terms, but when you know, you just know, you know? So in order to get your heart broken you have to know what that loving feeling is and who it is towards, in order to know that when you break up with that person you really are heartbroken. But then again, can't it happen with friends? I know I have a number of friends that if I ever broke up with I would be heartbroken. But would that heartbreak be a different kind, or in the end is it all the same as it is all a 'form' of love.

Meanwhile, a debate in another part of my head was to do with the second piece of advice from my dad, which was that 'time passes you by'. The way he actually put it was that I must think I have years and years ahead of me. Can I really think about being his age? It must seem ages away, yet it will be gone in a second. So I must fill it with all the things I want to do, as long as I am safe. This ties in well with another piece of advice I was given by another wise friend of mine, who told me never to go through life with 'if's and buts'. When contemplating this advice, I actually thought that it would be really hard to live live without thinking 'what if...?'. Anyone who can honestly say 'I have never thought what if?' are ones who I admire, as I can't seem to get through one day without thinking it! However, without If's and But's surely there is nothing that drives us to be better, or to make things clearer. 'What If I had tried harder on that exam?' Surely that would push us to do better next time as we can improve and make it better. But with if's and but's, surely comes heart ache, which conflicts with the first piece of advice my dad gave me. If's and but's usually lead to 'Oh God, what the hell do I do now'... well, it does in my head anyway, and the most common is 'What If I had been truthfull...'.

But I guess these are all lessons you learn in life, and I would like to be the kind of person that can, in the futer, look back and say I can honestly not say 'but what If I...?'. As I leave you with those thoughts and hope that you kept up with my mini rant, I am going to go away and think 'What if I had just.......................'

Look What Happenes When People Make Me Write Things!

Ok... So I didn't actually want to write this post on account of my having company, making burgers AND trying to watch a DVD, but a friend made me! It's funny how certain friends hold certain 'powers' over you. When I was younger I had a friend who I could always forgive at the drop of a hat. It didn't matter how much he annoyed me, how much he upset me or how much he offended me, I always seemed to give him 'the benifit of the doubt' or 'a second change'. It probably didn't help that I fancied him rotten! But still. When you think about it, it is rather funny how friends have these effects on you. I do love my friends... most of them anyway, and most of the time I would rather be with them than at home. Friends really are the family that you pick yourself... and I can honestly tell you that for me that really is the case! I have friends that I argue with so much on a daily basis, but I could never live without! I have the ones I can talk to about anything and who I trust with my life! I have the ones who annoy the hell outa me and that I couldn't trust as far as I could throw, but my life would be NO fun without them! I really am very lucky. This morning I was really quite scared about going to Uni as I have to leave all my friends and family, which is difficult as I have always been a home bird. Then my mum reminded me that it is a chance to extend my friendships and let people get to know me. When you think about it, there are people out there that have ABSOLUTLEY no idea that they are about to meet me. The crazy, clingy, hyper, nuts, anoyingness that is me! I guess I am having trouble at the moment deciding whether I am a nice person or not! Which is silly as I know I have helped a number of people who I know, despite whether they are my friends or not! But I still have trouble. Now do you see what happens when people MAKE me write posts when I have absolutely NO inspiration! You mark my words, I will get him when I next see him! Signing off for now... but I promies you I will be back as soon as I get more inspiration! :)

Oddness...

So I'm in one of those strange moods, when you know you are confused and kind of upset, but you're not 100% positive why it is and what you can do about it! On the other hand I have found myself getting more and more excited at the prospect of leaving for Uni! Don't get me wrong, I will be sad to leave behind all the people I love... and those that I don't... because it has been the most farmiliar thing for 18 years now. But with a new adventure I will be able to find out more about myself and more about who my true friends are! I promised myself I wouldn't do this sorta crap in a blog for so many to read... not that the people who 'matter' will be reading it... but still. It is rather strange. Yet I cannot seem to stop the words coming out my fingers onto the keyeboard. I also promised myself that I would make it as coherent and as non-random as possible, in order to make sure that it relates to the reason I began the blog... However, I seem to have borken both these promises in the matter of 2 paragraphs, as this entry has no real purpose or subject. Ok.. a subject.... a subject.........! Well, there is always my mums wedding to consider. Considering that it is less than 3 weeks away AND I have to make a cake in that time I am relatively calm. I also have to think about writing a speech, which one one hand seems relatively easy, but my fear is that it will turn out something like this entry... a babbling, incoherent mess! I should just say what I feel! But that runs the risk of sounding cheesy! I understand that they are my family and friends that I am talking to, and they already know how much of a berk I am, but I don't want to give them anymore ammuntion towards my already established stupidity and soppyness! See, I have always been gifted in my ability to write rather formally and inkeeping with the purpose, in order to make sure that people think I am well versed and like I understand what I am talking about. But when it comes to something like this, which is a happy occasion that you can celebrate with your family and friends, you want to be able to make sure that it means something, opposed to just words that make sense and express how you feel. To me there is a difference between writing to evoke feeling and writing cos you know you have to. The speech falls into the former!... Oh how interesting it must be to live inside my head hey?!?! On that note I will 'leave' you before I pour the ENTIRE contents of my brain onto a small page, resulting in many of you leaving feeling depressed and suicidal! Now comes the time for dreams of this cake and the formation of a speech which must be read aloud in less than 3 weeks. G'night All x

So I was thinking...

Ok... So some people think this is not that good a thing to do, or sad, or whatever else they think. But I was thinking about it a couple of days ago and wondered that since I got my new laptop (Way to go Me!) that perhaps, taking into account how amazingly huge this year is going to be, should I start a blog?!?! It all started on August 20th at 6.15am! This was the exact time I recieved my results and my laptop. It was what I had thought about for such a long time. Every time I thought about teaching the children, or having my own class room, or sitting up untill 2am writing reports, I get this excited feeling in my stomach. A sense of purpose that I will one day have! Feeling like I can make a difference to just one child, and if it is only 1 I am doing my job! However, I digress, as all this is in the future, considering I have only just got my place at Uni! So, as I was saying, i found out I got my place at Uni and my mum presents me with this large box... I look... I realise... I scream... A laptop! A brand new, shiney, funky-covered laptop! And it's ALL mine! So I descover I have a blog button on the NEW laptop and decide that I should perhaps look at starting one, as it will possibly help me remember what went on these last two days. Which brings me to this point here. 4 Weeks untill I have to move into halls and leave all my friends! In particular the closest ones I have made in the past year! If I completely honest, most of me says that it is time for a new start. A new start away from all the drama that is caused on a weekly basis. A new start to be the person I became during my A Level years! Standing on my own two feet (which I can do fairly well anyway), without depending on my mum for emotional support! Woah! I have just read that back and now see how incredibly cheesy that all is... like I am going to burst into song or pour out my heart story. So on that note I will 'sign off'? Is that what ya d0? I need to learn the 'blogging' lingo! Hmmmmm... Night all!